Starting from Scratch

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

It has been 10 years since I became a Muslim.  And on the 19th of January, my birthday, I decided to leave the religion.  I met my shaykh, Shaykh Zakariya ibn ‘Umar Bagharib (q.s.), and I stated my intention.  He asked me, “When you came to Islam, did you come for anyone?”  I came alone, like coming out of the desert into an oasis, in a long spiritual journey.

“So, why are you leaving because of people?  Do you believe that Allah (s.w.t.) is One, and Muhammad (s.a.w.) is the Messenger?”  I never doubted that.

And then he smiled and said, “That is not apostasy.  That is a tantrum.”

I took my wudhu’, and we performed our swalah, and I went on my way.  I had to start from scratch, rediscovering what it was that brought me to Islam.  It was certainly not the Muslims.  What brought me to Islam was the comprehensive theology, the spiritual connection with the people that mattered, and a certain focused drive to understand our role.

Islam is neither found in the masses, nor the multitudinal sources in social media, nor the books of these times, or in the organisations set up by these people.  What they call “Islam” is a transactional multi-level marketing scheme, where piety has become a commodity, and everything is appearances.

I am not ashamed to say that I have contemplated leaving Islam several times.  It does not make me inadequate, or a lesser Muslim.  It is a sign that I take belief seriously, and I did not say the shahadah by lip service.  I am quite aware that what I write on this blog will offend many Muslims, because I did not arrive at the conclusions they did.  I am aware that as I write, and rewrite the many articles over the years, my positions, both theological and jurisprudential, will evolve.

I came to Islam alone, a stranger.  I came broken, and I have been broken.  I have learned many difficult lessons, some many times.  And I am still here, stronger, weary, wiser.  But not by my plan, but His.  We are all alone to an extent, in this world, in the grave, and on the Day of Rising.


Comments

  1. indeed, the help of Allah will come and the doa will be answered. I use this ayat as one of my guidance, "Do you think you will not be tested after saying I believe". Yes this ayat is easier to associate to the new reverts, however I feel it is relevant for me. Everytime I learn a new knowledge about the deen and believe in it, for sure there will be a time where I will be tested on that knowledge.

    I make doa for you on this glorious day of Juma'ah that you will one day visit Mekkah and Madinah and perform the hajj. May Allah make it easy for you, increase you in knowledge, and help you in your pursuit to achieve the characteristics of "haleem".

    ReplyDelete
  2. I have also been going through a difficult time with life, Islam and myself. Trying to find my calling, my purpose. Trying to seek what Allah has in store for me, feeling lost and confused, battling addiction and often feeling like a failure, wasted potential. Reading your post, I don't know why, made me cry.

    I will get there. The Prophet, if we are the learn anything from him, taught us that it is the patient ones that Allah will guide, the ones who patiently persevere.

    I will remember you in my prayer, remember me in yours

    Wasalam

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. as-Salaamu'Alaykum,

      Thank you for the beautiful thoughts and the du'a. If you have a Facebook account and need a p;ace to go, we have a group called The Sharing Group. Everyone needs a support network. And this is where we build ours based on the relationship between the Prophet (s.a.w.) and his companions. You are never alone.

      Wa as-Salaam

      Delete
  3. SubhanAllah.
    Our lives are a never ending test, may Allah SWT keep s rightly guided in this journey of self discovery.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ah, Sidi, will you ever stop amazing me. This means a lot to me . Whether i choose to leave Islam or stay, you will always be my spiritual teacher. i learn so, so much from you and am ever grateful. It must be because we are just that one letter difference on the Myers-Briggs. (being a little
    facetious). This is zuleikha sandra, by the way.

    ReplyDelete

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