Starting from Scratch
بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ
It has been 10 years
since I became a Muslim. And on the 19th
of January, my birthday, I decided to leave the religion. I met my shaykh, Shaykh Zakariya ibn
‘Umar Bagharib (q.s.), and I stated my intention. He asked me, “When you came to Islam, did you
come for anyone?” I came alone, like
coming out of the desert into an oasis, in a long spiritual journey.
“So, why are you leaving
because of people? Do you believe that
Allah (s.w.t.) is One, and Muhammad (s.a.w.) is the Messenger?” I never doubted that.
And then he smiled and
said, “That is not apostasy. That is a
tantrum.”
I took my wudhu’,
and we performed our swalah, and I went on my way. I had to start from scratch, rediscovering
what it was that brought me to Islam. It
was certainly not the Muslims. What
brought me to Islam was the comprehensive theology, the spiritual connection
with the people that mattered, and a certain focused drive to understand our
role.
Islam is neither found
in the masses, nor the multitudinal sources in social media, nor the books of
these times, or in the organisations set up by these people. What they call “Islam” is a transactional
multi-level marketing scheme, where piety has become a commodity, and
everything is appearances.
I am not ashamed to say
that I have contemplated leaving Islam several times. It does not make me inadequate, or a lesser
Muslim. It is a sign that I take belief
seriously, and I did not say the shahadah by lip service. I am quite aware that what I write on this
blog will offend many Muslims, because I did not arrive at the conclusions they
did. I am aware that as I write, and
rewrite the many articles over the years, my positions, both theological and
jurisprudential, will evolve.
I came to Islam alone, a
stranger. I came broken, and I have been
broken. I have learned many difficult
lessons, some many times. And I am still
here, stronger, weary, wiser. But not by
my plan, but His. We are all alone to an
extent, in this world, in the grave, and on the Day of Rising.
indeed, the help of Allah will come and the doa will be answered. I use this ayat as one of my guidance, "Do you think you will not be tested after saying I believe". Yes this ayat is easier to associate to the new reverts, however I feel it is relevant for me. Everytime I learn a new knowledge about the deen and believe in it, for sure there will be a time where I will be tested on that knowledge.
ReplyDeleteI make doa for you on this glorious day of Juma'ah that you will one day visit Mekkah and Madinah and perform the hajj. May Allah make it easy for you, increase you in knowledge, and help you in your pursuit to achieve the characteristics of "haleem".
Assalamu'Alikum,
ReplyDeleteAmin.
Wassalam
I have also been going through a difficult time with life, Islam and myself. Trying to find my calling, my purpose. Trying to seek what Allah has in store for me, feeling lost and confused, battling addiction and often feeling like a failure, wasted potential. Reading your post, I don't know why, made me cry.
ReplyDeleteI will get there. The Prophet, if we are the learn anything from him, taught us that it is the patient ones that Allah will guide, the ones who patiently persevere.
I will remember you in my prayer, remember me in yours
Wasalam
as-Salaamu'Alaykum,
DeleteThank you for the beautiful thoughts and the du'a. If you have a Facebook account and need a p;ace to go, we have a group called The Sharing Group. Everyone needs a support network. And this is where we build ours based on the relationship between the Prophet (s.a.w.) and his companions. You are never alone.
Wa as-Salaam
SubhanAllah.
ReplyDeleteOur lives are a never ending test, may Allah SWT keep s rightly guided in this journey of self discovery.
Ah, Sidi, will you ever stop amazing me. This means a lot to me . Whether i choose to leave Islam or stay, you will always be my spiritual teacher. i learn so, so much from you and am ever grateful. It must be because we are just that one letter difference on the Myers-Briggs. (being a little
ReplyDeletefacetious). This is zuleikha sandra, by the way.
I am glad it helped.
DeleteI am a convert from a small town in the United States and I, too, have faced this same dilemma over and over again. I, too, came to Islam because of its theological truth. Only to find very much the same kinds of issues you've encountered in the Muslim communities. I, too, have went back and forth many times debating whether or not it was worth being Muslim due to the fact that converts are generally tokenized and viewed with suspicion and left to their own devices most of the time. This has been my experience as well. It is good to have found your blog.
ReplyDeleteI am happy it can be of assistance.
Delete