The Sharing Group Discussion on Muslim Women Marrying Non-Muslim Men

بِسۡمِ ٱللهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

Sister Crystal posted this, on The Sharing Group, on the 09^th June 2015: “Muslim women marrying non-Muslim men is the topic I want to discuss.  I am aware of the consensus that only Muslim men can marry Christians and Jews in addition to Muslim women.  However, culturally, many Muslim men from Middle Eastern countries come here, to the US for example, and find a woman of my age, 29, to be too old to consider for marriage.  I have found that if a young Muslim man of similar age to myself is looking for a wife, they tend to look more for the fresh-faced, virginal, just out of college young women.  Women such as myself are completely overlooked.  However, similarly aged Christian men, even those of Middle Eastern descent, seem to have no problem with my age.  So, the question is, if someone like me goes and seeks marriage, and yet no Muslim man wants her for herself, rather than for papers or the rewards of teaching a convert to Islam, and yet a Christian man does want her.  Why is she, by consensus, obligated to refuse the Christian man who will love her and treat her well when a Muslim man will not have her?” 

Sister Monique Pintarich-Ellila: It would be interesting to hear the replies of this question. 

Sister Marjorie Abdullah: A good question. 

Brother Louis Llewellyn Shann IV: My take, and I will be in the minority, but that never stopped me before, is that a Muslim is one who submits himself to God.  Therefore, any man who submits oneself to God, regardless of religion, is a “Muslim” to me.  It is not your fault that too many men out there either do not know what they want or are looking for a green card, or an 18-year-old. 

Sister Jennifer Giove: I agree with Brother Louis Llewellyn Shann IV. 

Sister Hafizah Kareem: My Muslim lady friends in Singapore face the same problem.  The ideal Muslim men out there always look for young, just out of college, muslimah.  Or those middle-aged single Muslim men are too “cosmopolitan” and look for non-Muslim women to be their partners.  Or more and more are simply gay. 

Sister Vivi YZ: I do not think it happens to just convert Muslim women honestly.  Even older single Muslim women in my country have the same problem finding a Muslim spouse.  I did have suitors who were non-Muslim.  But one of my criteria was a Muslim because I felt it would be less confusing for the kids and couple if you have the same values.  I have seen what happens to kids of such marriages.  They are confused.  I do know a Muslim woman, married to a free thinker, who believes life after death does not exist.  And she does face some problems because she wants her kids to be raised Muslim.  I am a great believer of prayer.  I would not settle for someone who does not meet my criteria - not just religion but someone who wants me as I am.  If not, I am happy to be alone. 

Brother Hari Peramal: The world is big.  There are 1.5 billion Muslims.  Here, in Indonesia, sisters are getting married at every age.  Everyone has their preference, fair and square, so we cannot be too critical of other Muslim choices if it is not outside religious parameters.  If a Muslim brother is looking for a dark-skinned spouse, well, that is his preference.  If a sister looking for a doctor or engineer, well that is her preference. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: But she is not in Indonesia; that is the issue.  She is in a place where there are relatively little Muslims. 

Sister Vivi YZ: Yes.  In Singapore, Muslims are a minority, and we have the same problems that Sister Crystal and Sister Hafizah mentioned. 

Sister Hafizah Kareem: Still, in Indonesia, with a Muslim majority, interfaith marriages are common.  And the reason they give is love is blind.  Speaking of my experience, I was trying very hard to pair up a Singaporean of Pakistani heritage with a Malay, but cultural interference made it difficult.  They separated.  One remains single, and the other is marrying a non-Muslim. 

Brother Hari Peramal: Well, I met my Indonesian wife at a Ramadhan gathering in California. 

Sister Vivi YZ: I think culture is easier to overcome than religion, though both are difficult. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: I think religion is easier to overcome than culture. 

Sister Hafizah Kareem: I think love makes it easy to overcome anything. 

Sister Vivi YZ: On second thoughts, I think I will go along with Brother Terence.  If faith is strong, you can overcome cultural differences.  That is more important.  Love may conquer all but your kids may grow up confused, or have to choose, and you may feel conflicted if your partner is not Muslim and you want him and your kids to be.  It depends on how religious you are.  Some people are fine with it. 

Brother ELias Attia: I worked in migration and I talked to marriage celebrants and I saw Muslims were marrying at every age.  Here, in Australia, there are plenty of women, some never married, looking for spouses.  They are in their late 20s and early to mid-30s.  People do ask about them, but it is the compatibility issues, convert or non-convert. 

Sister Shaheen J Syed: This problem exists in every Muslim community, I suppose.  My community still practices arranged marriage, and it is even more ridiculous since parents look for spouses from the same language and ethnicity.  The guys have it easier as they get to choose who they want to marry and, even with opposition, get away with it.  However, girls find it harder to marry men from other ethnic backgrounds, and as a result, there are many unmarried women in their 20s and 30s.  But many are breaking away from this.  In my personal opinion, a well-educated, enlightened and self-assured man would be comfortable with women his age or older.  It is not an issue for him.  So, for those who have not met their other, the best is yet to come. 

Brother Daud Webb: My wife said her government defines Shi’ah as non-Muslims, so if I accept Shi’ism, which is very likely at this point, I will be in trouble.  However, I do not think most Sunnis agree with her government. 

Sister Crystal: I did not mean to make it strictly a convert issue, although I do think that converts face some rather unique difficulties versus born Muslims.  However, I converted a little more than a year ago.  Already, I was beyond the general marriageable age for many born-Muslim men, so I came into Islam with a few distinct disadvantages: I came in with my age, my baggage of being born a non-Muslim, and the fact that we are sought after for papers and specifically, so people can “earn rewards in Jannah” by teaching the convert woman “true Islam”.  How often have I heard, “It doesn’t matter to me what you did before you were Muslim ...  Oh, but hey, don’t talk about x, y, and z experiences because it reminds me of when you weren’t a Muslim.” 

Brother Hari, I get that the world is big.  Good for you for meeting your wife at a Ramadhan conference.  However, again, I have the issue of the men who have approached me from other parts of the world and want one of two things: papers or to marry a convert for “heavenly rewards”.  So, forgive me if I meet your comment with an eyebrow raised; it is because I do not think you actually understand what the circumstances feel like and look like. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: Where I come from, they love converts and everybody wants to marry them.  Of course, the basic requirements are still applicable: breathing, non-radioactive and so forth.  And as much as I hate to say it, they love their white women. 

Sister Shaheen J Syed: Yes, I agree with you, Sister Crystal.  The dynamics are different.  Insha’Allah, I Pray everything falls into place for you.  I have many converts as friends and, al-Hamdulillah, they have found good spouses.  There is no such thing as a marriageable age, as every age is a good age.  It is just about meeting the right person. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: Where does your wife come from, Brother Daud Webb? 

Brother Daud Webb: Indonesia. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: Indonesia defines Shi’ah as non-Muslim?  That may be some bias at a local level, but it is not official.  Some states in Malaysia are moving in that direction. 

Sister Crystal: Sister Shaheen J Syed, unfortunately, here in my community, there is poor opportunity, and I have another strike against me: I am not Yemeni.  My point, folks, was why should a woman have to refuse a man who would love and care for her and accept her as she is and accept her for who she is simply because he is not Muslim? 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: I would say no.  Because we do not know the state of people, and we can preclude the possibility that he would convert.  We have a few people on this group who had civil marriages and then the spouse converted.  It is not where we start that matters.  It is where we end up. 

Sister Vivi YZ: It is very hard to say if the spouse will ever convert.  It is whether you can live with it if he does not. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: You are only 29, sister.  How is that old? 

Sister Shaheen J Syed: Yes, I agree too.  Initially, everything might seem alright.  I have a friend who was in such as a predicament.  She is a Malaysian Malay Muslim.  She married an Australian who was Catholic.  He converted to marry her but continued with his ways even after conversation.  10 years passed, two beautiful kids, and they could not see eye to eye due to religious reasons.  She became more of a practising Muslim and realised she felt empty without Islam in her life.  He could not conform to the teachings of Islam.  They parted ways. 

Sister Crystal: I find it disturbing that the cultural affectations being placed on Islam extend so far as to make women spinsters when the Prophet (s.a.w.) married women of different backgrounds and ages.  A friend of mine, who is an Arab muslimah, told me the other day, “Well, I’m sure there are plenty of older attractive Muslim men looking for a wife.”  While I am not against marrying a man who is considered “older” provided we have common ground and love, I do find it a bit disheartening that people my own age, and perhaps a bit older, have considered me too old. 

And Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis, trust me, I have wondered about that repeatedly.  I certainly do not consider myself old.  That is why I am so ticked off about it.  Because I am not between 18 and 22 years of age, I am considered old for marriage here. 

Brother Khalid Yaqub: Sister Crystal, you asked, “My point, folks, was why should a woman have to refuse a man who would love and care for her and accept her as she is and accept her for who she is simply because he is not Muslim?”  If a person is religious, then their religion is a large and important part of who they are.  So, a person who does not convert is not simply “accepting” her as she is; they may be loving and caring, but they are rejecting an important part of her. 

Human relationships are often unstable.  Love is not guaranteed to last, and things can get messy.  When they do, there is an extra degree of messiness since there is not a common faith.  Marriage is not just an agreement between two people, but an institution with broader social repercussions. 

For these reasons, I, as a man, am hesitant.  Plus, these days, there are arguably very few traditional Christians.  And these days, we have a lot of evidence concerning the historical Jesus (a.s.): it is hard to trust someone who clings to something in the face of so much evidence to the contrary.  I think it is fine to court a member of the other faith and see if, after proper exposure to the religion, they are led to adopt it as their own. 

Sister Shaheen J Syed: Sister Crystal, you are not considered old anywhere! 

Brother Daud Webb: I think that while we are instructed in the Qur’an to make peace with other religions; we are not supposed to trust them as allies because we can never be sure.  Marrying a man is placing trust in him to complete your religion and play a role in your obtaining Jannah.  There is just no good reason to consider someone who is outside of Islam.  I find it questionable when men revert after they meet a Muslima and then marry her once they have reverted.  I wonder whether they have even had time to go through the theological debates in their mind and have a soundproof that Islam is correct as part of their identity. 

When you are looking for a man, make it clear that you will not accept second best.  You have a duty to your children to do so.  To screen them really thoroughly.  Do not marry one who is a Muslim but is weak in his iman either.  What will that show your children?  It will teach them that the worldly life is more important than their religion.  That is a terrible thing. 

Sister Marjorie Abdullah: Sister Crystal, you are not at all “old”.  As an older, married woman, I often wonder about the many single men and women on This Sharing Group.  Maybe we should have a special introductory page where people who are interested in meeting other Muslims could introduce themselves. 

Brother Nabeel Sadiq: I know of born Muslim men who have married convert women in the UK.  Those who see a 29-year-old young woman as not young enough may not be culturally suited for you anyway.  From a man’s point of view, the big dowries that are demanded by the women and their families are the biggest obstacle today for most Muslims, as well as men wanting to please parents.  Where the age issue comes in is not realising that, generally, women in the west are healthier than in most Middle Eastern countries. 

Sister Brenda Murphy: 29?  So, what ages are the men who think you are too old? 

Brother Daud Webb: There should be no dowry in an Islamic marriage, only a mahr.  That is a very different concept.  It is not about buying and selling each other.  The mahr at my wedding was a copy of the Qur’an that cost $20 and mukina that cost a similar amount.  If I could not have afforded that, we were ready to go with a recitation of our favourite surah, which I gave as an additional wedding gift.  Dowries are a cultural thing, mostly in Pakistan.  They are a problem; not a part of our religion. 

Brother Paul Salahuddin Armstrong: I am a few months younger than my wife, and this has never been an issue.  But then, I am not from some ignorant cultural mindset that has not progressed since the Middle Ages. 

An important point to note is that the Qur’an Gives an explicit permission for Muslim men to marry women from the Ahl al-Kitab; there is no prohibition for Muslim women to marry Ahl al-Kitab men. 

As such, my view is that people of both genders should make the choices of spouse they think best, based on the guidelines of Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.), which include character and good conduct. 

Sister Crystal: Sister Brenda, generally between my age and 35. 

Brother Daud Webb: Then they are a bunch of sleazes and would be just as bad as marrying the non-Muslim man.  I think you should wait patiently until Allah (s.w.t.) Sends someone for you who is a genuinely pious Muslim.  If it happens, it happens.  If it does not, well, you have avoided a whole lot of potential risks and led a happy life anyway. 

Sister Crystal: Brother Daud, you make a lot of assumptions about my life being happy.  And I actually take some offence to comparing non-Muslims with “sleazes”.  And the operative word in your statement is “potential” risks.  Potential. 

Brother Paul Salahuddin Armstrong: Indeed, professing the shahadah is no guarantee of being a gentleman, nor is baptism going to ruin a gentleman. 

Sister Brenda Murphy: It is difficult to comprehend the mindset of a 32-year-old who thinks a 29-year-old is “too old” for them.  It says a lot about their attitude to the marital power balance, I think. 

Sister Nadia Yadumi: Salam Sister Crystal, if this is not hypothetical, why not try to explain Islam to the person.  I have seen Muslim Chinese women who have spouses who became Muslim before they got married.  I have also seen Muslims marry non-Muslims and their children were not raised as Muslims.  So, it really depends on you if you feel that children have a right to decide, or you would prefer to raise them as Muslims or your husband will not work against you raising them as Muslims. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: The ayat of the Qur’an did not say we could not trust non-Muslims.  It said we could not depend on them as protectors.  And it is unfair to judge how people enter Islam.  People come because they are Called by whatever means Allah (s.w.t.) Wills.  Who is anyone to decide who is a better convert?  I know people who came as non-Muslims and converted after marriage and became better Muslims.  Also, I do not approve looking down upon the non-Muslims.  There is no arrogance in Diyn.  I find that they are better than the Muslims in general. 

Brother Daud Webb: This is not about arrogance.  It is about due diligence and care in choosing a husband.  Before marriage, he needs to have proven himself to be sincere and pious.  Maybe he might after, or maybe he might not, but if he has submitted completely to Islam before marriage then you know there is a good example for your children and if not then there is a huge risk.  With regard to the ayat, if you translate it as taking them as your protector or ally or any of the other translations, the same thing very clearly applies.  A husband is a protector, since husbands and wives need to protect each other.  That means in matters of faith as well as from physical harm.  There are numerous checks and balances to power in the system of Islam.  Change one and things get out of balance.  Arrogance is where we look for ways of proving we can do what we want, instead of submitting to the will of our creator and letting it change us. 

Sister Shaheen J Syed: I used to be so rigid thinking that marrying a Muslim is the only guarantee to raise good Muslim children and to keep a sister’s religiosity as a Muslim intact, but that is not a guarantee necessarily.  Even a born-Muslim brother who seems reasonably religious can screw a marriage up.  Maybe a brother who converted just for marriage would become a better Muslim in time.  I have met non-Muslims who are more Islamic in the way they treat me than a Muslim.  How is this so?  I guess culture, and mindset overrides Islamic teaching at times. 

Sister Angel Sshi: Sister Crystal Bolt, I am much the same situation as you.  I was getting to know a single Muslim dad, and we were about to arrange everything but because I am a convert, he thought my lack of experience in Islam is not good enough for his kids.  I gave a lot of care and love to his kids.  We no longer went ahead with it.  Now, I find non-Muslim men are looking into marriage but will not convert, but Muslim men wanted younger women or more conservative young girls.  It is a shame. 

Brother Chris Hutchinson: I find it interesting that some people have criticised the motives of Muslim converts; who converted after meeting a Muslim partner.  I would say I fall into this category, but I by no means converted just for the sake of marriage.  Like Brother Terence said, people are brought to Islam through all kinds of situations, and who is to say that meeting a Muslim partner is not Allah’s (s.w.t.) Guidance to Islam? 

I may not have the strongest iman, but I definitely have strong niyyah, and I have read there is a lot of reward for perseverance and patience.  Let us not forget; the swahabah respected people’s “doubts”, as some people took only days to understand, while others took months and even years. 

Brother Jak Kilby: A Muslim spouse is far better for a Muslim, even ignoring rules.  At the same time, a Muslim spouse whose view and understanding tally at least generally is best, otherwise difficulties can arise.  That is far more important than race or culture.  There is, insha’Allah, someone out there.  Please be patient and do regularly ask Allah (s.w.t.) for Help, in this case, for a good husband.  You can be surprised at what happens. 

Sister Angel Sshi: Brother Hari Peramal, I have seen successful marriages, where one is Muslim, and the other a non-Muslim, and kids follow the Muslim spouse. 

Brother Chris Hutchinson: I do sympathise with your situation though, Sister Crystal.  While I agree that it is better to have a marriage with another Muslim, I would be a hypocrite to tell you to dismiss all non-Muslim men.  After all; if my partner had only considered Muslim men, someone like me would never have been introduced to Islam.  So, while it would be strongly advisable to go for a Muslim man; there is the option of introducing non-Muslims to Islam.  You would just have to be certain that their niyyah is genuine. 

Sister Vivi YZ: What do you mean by a “reasonably religious” born-Muslim, Sister Shaheen?  It is not about praying 5 times a day and being able to read the Qur’an.  It is about having a good character which includes kindness, being responsible, trustworthy, being able to think for oneself.  Because Islam is really about striving for the best character.  Marriage is hard enough.  So, it is easier, if you are a convert, when your spouse is Muslim and has good character, if you need someone to guide you.  That is the best scenario.  There are some who convert and end up having much better faith than born Muslims.  But they usually marry born-Muslims from what I see.  I do agree with Brother Jak.  Pray for it regularly.  That is what I did.  There is swalah al-hajat too.  Leave it in Allah’s (s.w.t.) Hand. 

Brother Arvind Ashaari Parhar: I think there are many born-Muslims out there that have confidence that if their non-Muslim partner loves them there would be no doubt in their partner diving into conversion but fail to understand the complexity involved in trying to reconcile human relationship with faith.  Whether it be about conversion or not any marriage needs, both partners to bring themselves to a platform of journeying together.  Sure, the two will always have differences but if directions are conflicting, the differences just become a barrier to each other. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: I think people are mistaking religiosity for piety.  There is a difference between the form of adherence and its reality.  So, what if the spouse prays five times a day, and fasts extensively, but looks down on non-Muslims as kafirun.  Such a person obviously does not know Islam, when Allah (s.w.t.) Says: 

سُوۡرَةُ بنیٓ اسرآئیل / الإسرَاء

۞ وَلَقَدۡ كَرَّمۡنَا بَنِىٓ ءَادَمَ ... (٧٠) 

We have Honoured the sons of Adam ... (Surah al-Isra’:70) 

They think that being Muslim makes them special, forgetting that it is a Gift that can be taken away.  We do not need hypocrites. 

What we should always look for in all types of relationships, is people of values.  A good person will eventually be Called to Islam.  Maybe such a person cannot recite the prayers very well, or does not know the rules of zakat.  But the heart, which is the seat of the Divine, is clean.  So, find someone like that, and leave labels be.  Once such a person is found, then it is important to develop that relationship before even considering marriage.  Whilst it is possible, I am not a fan of this idea that men and women cannot meet until nikah.  We should at least know the person we intend to spend our lives with.  That means going out for coffee, sitting in a quiet corner and getting to know each other, if need be. 

Now, if there develops sufficient attraction, we can talk about religion.  It is ridiculous to talk about conversion to someone we have barely met, and a relationship is uncertain.  I think that is the most logical way.  I would say, Sister Crystal, socialise a bit, meet people, and make yourself someone people would like to know.  I am not going to talk about limits because at 29 years of age, I am sure you know how to behave without old men like me lecturing you. 

Brother Daud Webb: I think the question is not so much whether they have knowledge, but whether they are seeking knowledge and submitting to it.  I mean, you make a very good point and everything, but you know, there is the ayat that looks something like “none of you is better than the other except in matters of religion” as well.  Yes, we are equals in humanity, but being sisters and brothers in faith is in addition to that.  I would not label non-Muslims as those who reject faith, since most have not had the chance to even know what Islam is, but nor can we be sure that a person is going to truly submit until they have actually done so. 

I can only speak for myself, but in your situation, if I were a sister, I just would not go anywhere near considering it. As a family violence counsellor, I have seen too many horrible things to ever take entering into a relationship lightly. If I were a sister, I would not consider it without being absolutely convinced. It was narrated that Prophet Muhammed (s.a.w.) said that when we make the decision to marry someone, we must take into account only two things: their family and their religion.  We know from this that their religion is very significant. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: No one has truly submitted, brother, as long as they have their self with them.  True submission is annihilation of the self, as that, as in the case of the Prophet (s.a.w.), he was the shadow of God’s Hand.  Nothing he did was of his own volition, as the Qur’an Says.  There is no submission.  There are only degrees of adherence and cognisance. 

In Islam, everything is religion, and everything is knowledge of God since He is al-‘Alim.  It is only the wrong intention that makes it otherwise.  As such, unless there is doctrinal proof, we always husn azh-zhan. 

Brother Daud Webb: Submission does not mean perfection in all we do.  It means putting nearness to Allah (s.w.t.) above all other desires.  That is the definition of a Muslim.  Why were we left the sunnah of Prophet Muhammed (s.a.w.) if not as an example to follow?  Why were the infallible a’immah given the task of enacting that sunnah if not as a proof that human beings are capable of doing so? 

Brother Louis Llewellyn Shann IV: Without knowing Arabic, I think also concerning certain Qur’anic verses about “making friends with Christians and Jews”. it also needs to take in the historical context of the passage, and not necessarily not being friends with them.  At the time, the Muslims had to look after themselves and certain tribes were aligned with the Byzantine and Persian Empires.  There were many proxy wars going on before and after, though more so with the more northern tribes.  I think too many non-Muslims throw that verse in our faces, especially in the West.  I am not a scholar or know Arabico,but I think passages like that account more for the historical context of the times.  When the Muslims were being persecuted and betrayed, and I think it was just Allah’s (s.w.t.) warning to the early Muslims to close the circle, when it came to trusting and safety.  Not necessarily making friends or marrying them in today’s times. 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: It is generally a Wahhabi interpretation that we cannot be friends with Christians and Jews.  But they are kafirun, and we should not care what they think. 

Brother Louis Llewellyn Shann IV: Much appreciation for that too.  I read a book on how they all started, and I was mad reading it.  The book was “House of Saud” but I cannot remember the author.  But I digress. 

Brother Nabeel Sadiq: If Muslims are not to be friends with non-Muslims, then how does this verse translate? 

سُوۡرَةُ الحُجرَات

يَـٰٓأَيُّہَا ٱلنَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقۡنَـٰكُم مِّن ذَكَرٍ۬ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلۡنَـٰكُمۡ شُعُوبً۬ا وَقَبَآٮِٕلَ لِتَعَارَفُوٓاْ‌ۚ إِنَّ أَڪۡرَمَكُمۡ عِندَ ٱللَّهِ أَتۡقَٮٰكُمۡ‌ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ۬ (١٣) 

O mankind!  We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other (not that you may despise each other).  Verily the Most Honoured of you in the Sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you.  And Allah has Full Knowledge and is Well Acquainted (with all things). (Surah al-Hujraat:13) 

Brother Chris Hutchinson: Good point. 

And also; if I was working on a da’wah project aimed at non-Muslims, but there was an underlying tone of, “oh, I can’t befriend you until you convert”, does that not undermine the good work? 

Brother Terence Helikaon Nunis: In the convert organisation I was in, we had a lot of volunteers who were not Muslims.  We wanted on-Muslims and new Muslims to be involved, not be inundated by Muslims and have no non-Muslims.  People eventually convert. 

Brother Daud Webb: I do not follow the Wahhabi interpretation either.  To me, it just implies that the same level of complete trust cannot be achieved as with our brothers and sisters.

I have plenty of non-Muslim friends too.  Getting married is a whole different level of trust.  As a man I do not fear oppression, so I would go ahead.  We know that oppression in the home is gendered.  Therefore, it would be a very different matter if I were a woman. 

Sister Crystal: I am less likely to trust most of these brothers and sisters around me than I am some of the non-Muslims around me. 

Brother Colin Turner: Du’a is all any of us has at any time.  Patience, well; that is another issue. 

Brother Daud Webb: Besides patience and du’a?  Concentrating on religion and study and not thinking much about spouses. 

Sister Marjorie Abdullah: Yes, being a strong, confident, successful ,loving and kind person whether single or not makes for an attractive personality. 

Sister Gill Perry: As I am in the same position in the UK, I totally understand how you feel - I agree people should not generalise about someone’s life being happy or otherwise because they are looking for a spouse.  It is hard, and rather depressing, and yes I make du’a, and have patience.  This age business is a big problem. 

Brother Jak Kilby: Just a bit of further comment on reflection.  A couple of years after my shahadah, my then non-Muslim wife divorced me on grounds of “unreasonable behaviour” - that I had become a Muslim, prayed, fasted and what have you.  I became almost destitute as a result, but I am not complaining.  al-Hamdulillah, it was good for me and things worked out better in time.  I only can see that as Allah’s (s.w.t.) Plan.  I was attached to an office which was part of a Muslim organisation including a mosque.  I was sleeping on the floor there.  But as a result I was bombarded with potential wives when I was not even looking, and many unsuitable. 

I chose my wife from a glance, and the simple combination of the fact that she was a practising Muslim.  It seemed impossible for me as she was the other side of the world and I basically knew virtually nothing about her.  Many of those offered, the virtual catalogue backed off simply because of my undesirable status - no money, nowhere to live, no job.  When I married her it was just al-Hamdulillah from both sides.  She did not worry about these things.  She was 30 years of age at the time.  I am only mentioning that because Sister Crystal mentioned the age problem at 29.  I am almost 14 years older.  If she had been up to maybe 45 years, it would not have presented a problem or obstacle for me.  More than 24 years later, it is still al-Hamdulillah.  So, hang on in there, sister.